Unsure what to say…

Yes, I don’t know what to write, although I feel I could write for days or weeks. I’ve had a LiveJournal but I haven’t kept up with it for a while now. Mostly because of Second Life. I guess there’s something that could be said about how much Second Life has affected my “real life”. But, eh.

I am currently seeing a counselor because of issues in my life that I can’t seem to work out for myself. This really kind of sucks for many reasons. I was seeing a counselor previously because I was really down on myself. However, I often ended up trying to avoid my feelings, even in the session itself, by making jokes. He asked me once why did I think I was so down on myself. I had so many answers, I couldn’t pick one. So instead of being honest and explain all of them, I redirected the question by saying I wished people would just be more accepting and understanding of others.

Then I went on to say that it would be so much easier to have the playing field leveled for everyone. He asked me how that could happen. I explained that a really good idea would be for everyone to have little signs that gave out information about their personality. Everyone would have three personality traits listed on the signs based on their appearance. Those who are more attractive would have to list three negative items and those who are not part of the normal idea of being attractive would have to list three positive things.

My counselor stared at me and asked what would the signs say specifically. Using the attractive person first, I said they would have to state something along the lines of ‘hates babies’, ‘doesn’t visit their grandmother in the nursing home’ and ‘pees in the shower’. My counselor asked what would my sign say. “Loves soft puppy bellies, loves her friends and likes giving handjobs in the car.” Needless to say, he immediately began scribbling on his pad of paper and, in a scolding manner, said this would be up for further discussion.

Putting up a wall of humor is my best defense and it keeps people at bay. I can always make fun of myself better than anyone else. I’ve even chided others for their inability to criticize me properly when they try to make humiliating remarks about my size. Because, really? A whale wouldn’t even fit in this building, or be able to breathe air for this long. Let alone have a need to order a burger at a fast food eatery. Please do not talk to me until you can come up with a better remark. Or at least until you’ve mentally graduated from the third grade. Not to mention, how pathetic is it that you are trying to look “cool” in front of your friends by making fun of a hapless fat girl. I am so threatening, aren’t I? Watch out, people, I may get unruly with my salt packet!

As bad as it is to be humiliated in public, it’s even worse when you get it from someone you care about. Between comments from people in my family to things ex-boyfriends and my ex-husband have said to guys that I had feelings for, I have no need to look in the mirror anymore to know how disgusting and gross I look. Shopping for clothes is a chore because it isn’t a matter of what looks good, it comes down to what can I fit into (and what can I afford).

My train of thinking always starts off positive and ends up quickly reaching the crest of the hill before speeding downhill into a pit of self-hatred. I am too fat to fit into almost anything. The few things that I sort of did fit into were either hideous or very expensive. If I wasn’t fat, I could wear clothes more suited to my style. If I had more money, I could buy nicer fat person clothes. Of course, if I wasn’t fat, I probably would have more money from either being better paid or, and this is very anti-feminism,  having a husband who didn’t treat me like shit causing me to leave and have to be a stupid fat single parent.

SO… this is one of many reasons why I go to a counselor. She told me I needed to talk to my inner child and find out what she wants. It made me sad at first, picturing 36 year-old me kneeling down to my 4 year-old self to ask just what is bothering you that you can’t allow me to grow up finally. The jury is still out on that response, to be honest. Possibly avoiding dealing with it.

I am still trying to heal from things that happened so many years ago, I think I’ve just become complacent in my life. What’s the point of trying when you are sure things will fail? But, I do try to make strides to be better and make good decisions. Well, at least recently.

I am rambling now. Tomorrow is a new day. Time to go face it.

MY SECOND POST

Holy mackarel. So, apparently my good friend Sasy forced coerced me into creating my own blog. I am not that interesting, seriously! However, she seems amused by my daily antics. Usually, though, I am full of fail. But at the end of the day, I just try to find the humor in everything.

Some backstory: I have two daughters, ages 8 1/2 and 7. They’re goofy. I live in Texas. It’s hot and stupid. I am going through a divorce. Fun.

So.. yay.

Um, I don’t know what else to add. Perhaps I will get more blog-minded shortly!

The booze will help, I am sure.

First post..?

Um, so, hello.